dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
