Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
