I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
