Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
