I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
