my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
