Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
