Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
