Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
