does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
