If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
