then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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