If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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