She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
