I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize