imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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