guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
