What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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