Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MIDGETS
????
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
