remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
