K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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