my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
