I just pynch a tree in the face
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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