my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
