You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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