What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
