I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
