Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
