Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
