I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
