The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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