Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
