I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
