I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
