you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
