I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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