he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
