Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
