Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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