Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
