she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
