a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
