Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
