Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
