I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
