if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
