never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
