I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
