Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
