I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
