The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
